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But you want to be.

[He can't even joke about having seen the tape Duo kept at a time like this, although it makes a lot more sense in retrospect.]

I think that's close to the same thing - just like when one of my sisters broke up with her boyfriend and she didn't want to date anyone again because she still liked that guy. It doesn't really matter about the title, right? I mean... back home it would, it definitely would.

But... well, we talked about it earlier, didn't we? There's one big difference to how things are with you and I and me with Rei-chan. I love him. Calling him my boyfriend or going on dates doesn't matter more than that, right? So I think... if you know where your heart is, with that other guy... Genesis, I think? That's the main thing.

And I'm Duo's friend too, Ai-chan, so I know what you mean about being affectionate.

[He knows a lot more about Duo's past -- and he wonders if Aiichiro knows it too]

I think... I think Duo's been alone for a long time. Maybe it's harder for him here than it is for either of us, you know? To find the difference between friends like us who got closer in Ariel and people he has a crush on?

I... really wish Euri hadn't said his name.

[ Aiichiro sighs softly. ]

I don't mind talking to you about it, but for everyone to know... I think that complicates things a lot for me. I didn't intend for it to be like that, to be about a certain person, when really the question is what to do about relationships themselves, or what I should consider one...

But Duo... I feel like I've done something wrong there, and I'm not sure why. I don't really know all that much about him, but I do know that he's had a really hard time, and I almost feel like... I should have treated his feelings more carefully. But it was so nice, just being with him and enjoying that, and I never thought about that risk, of either of us thinking it was more.

I guess I didn't think that I could fall for anyone, after how I felt about Rin, but when it happened... it was just like... all of a sudden it was just there.

I don't think... Hmm... I know you feel bad, Ai-chan, but I guess I don't think I'd have done anything different in your position. I haven't done anything different either. I think... You say 'risk' and that sounds like it's something so scary, but it's not really, is it? Like you said, it just sort of happens I think. I don't think I'd want to turn that off either - because otherwise I don't think I could've agreed to Rei-chan asking me out, either.

With Duo... You just want him to be happy, right? As your friend? Then maybe both of us can try to support him the same way I'm talking to you. I don't think... without cutting people out of our lives entirely, that you can stop this from happening sometimes. You're a great person, Ai-chan, so of course people will like you.

I guess you're probably right. I mean, when it comes to my friends, I like being affectionate with them, and I like when they're like that with me. I don't want that to change. But... Duo... I do want him to be happy! And I'll do my best to be supportive of him, but I don't want to bother him too soon and make it weird either.

[ He pauses, and when he speaks again, it's very softly. ]

You know, I said no to him really quickly, because I knew I had other feelings, and how strong they were. But afterward... to be honest, it'd be really unfair to him, if I hadn't said no. But I think about it a little, not because of Duo himself, but you know...

If I were with him, or with any of our friends our own age that I've had fun with or been affectionate with, it'd be kind of nice, wouldn't it? I mean... it'd be like what you and Rei have, or Rin and Haru, and I could call someone my "boyfriend" and go on dates, and talk about them publicly to everyone, and have threesomes with people, and maybe even live together.

[ Well, he feels almost ashamed of saying that part, because he does like living with Jihae. But it's still just this nice fantasy, all of it. ]

It's silly to think about. But it's not just Duo I turned down, somehow. It's all those possibilities too. That idea of having some kind of "normal" relationship, even if you still sometimes have sex with other people, having someone to introduce to your friends and play around with and call your own.

I can't tell Duo that. I did turn him down, and I'm not changing my mind. But I think it might be better for me too, to take a little break there until things settle, and maybe let you and Rei and his other friends be the ones to be supportive of him. Because I don't want to do something cruel that I don't mean, and dating him when I'm in love with someone else would be, even if it means I'm giving that kind of relationship up for something that... isn't exactly one.

I wish I could sympathize more with that age gap you're going to try - I mean, he sounded older to me anyway, but 'someone our age' ... I mean he really is older by a few years, isn't he? I think you're allowed to try whatever you want, and feel what you feel, but... man, I probably won't be too good except wishing you good luck - now the boyfriend thing though!

Ai-chan, my friend, I don't care how old this guy is or how long you've known him - you deserve to be happy! And if you want to call someone who's become so special to you 'boyfriend' then I think you should be allowed to! I don't care if he thinks it's silly.

[Unfortunately, the topic of Duo's happiness has fallen by the wayside for the moment. In Nagisa's mind, being a friend of Duo's and knowing that Duo's been welcome in his house along with Rei several times now, that's not even going to be a problem. Aiichiro's low expectations of what he can get for himself in terms of romance are just too low for the young dreamer.]

Just because you're not exactly in a relationship today, can't that change tomorrow? Or next week? If someone's special, we go after them! That's a dream just like learning a new stroke or saving up enough money to get a nice new outfit, right? You're one of the most focused people I know, Ai-chan! You can totally have a boyfriend and not when you're old and... well, still grey, but you know what I mean!!

[ Oh Nagisa, he could just kiss you. Both for the sentiment and for how he puts it, which does make Ai giggle a little.]

Yes, I know what you mean.

[ He half-wishes he were on video, so he could show his friend his smile, but he's not going to switch it over to that now. Instead, he lets the laugh speak for itself. ]

I do, really. It's a nice thought too. I'm just not sure how to go about it, in this case, because things are a little complicated. I want to tell someone all about it, but I really shouldn't for a long of reasons...

But, Nagisa, I trust you. I really do. So I'm going to say it - just to you, just for your ears - that the reason I can't ask him for that is kind of... two different things. He really doesn't want to be in a public relationship with anyone here, because of the nature of the city and that status he's trying to reach in it, which I understand. Business and everything. But also...

He does have something going privately, with someone else already. But that person... isn't really able to fulfill certain things. That person is... different, not really... able to feel emotions in quite the right way. It only makes sense if you know all about his world, I think, so it's not like I can explain all of it. But because of this, while he and Genesis are close, it's not really... quite romantic exactly, in the ways he wants.

I know it sounds really strange, especially since I was so determined not to get between Rin and Haru, but this is... this is different. This is two people I care about who kind of... do have something missing. That I can fill, at least a little bit, but only if I'm willing to go about it the same way they already do their relationship with each other, quietly.

[Ai's right that Nagisa doesn't understand what's going on with this 'other person' and for right now he decides maybe that's for the best, because you can only juggle so many balls in the air. Nagisa chalks it up to this other person having some sort of mental handicap, maybe like being autistic or dyslexic. That person probably doesn't have any problem with physical sex the way Ai's describing the situation, but somehow the emotional part isn't there - oh, maybe like a phobia of commitment! Yeah, something like that.

However, for all of Aiichiro's explanation, Nagisa's mind comes to a relatively simple conclusion.]

Being his boyfriend doesn't mean you have to call him 'boyfriend' in public, does it? He's not dating that other person is he?

[Because, yeah, that would complicate things more, but Nagisa's been in Ariel long enough to know that having 'something going privately' that's sexual in nature is very, VERY common.]

They don't call it dating. But that other person is definitely... a primary partner for him, even if they don't call it that.

[ He speaks very softly, and since he's already giving away far more than he should, just decides to go for it. ]

That's not a conflict, I mean, not for me or Zexion either one, it's not like I mind that he's more important, or that he minds that I'm important too.

But it is a conflict in terms of being open about anything, because they're not, so I can't be either. So it means kind of like... having a secret affair, I guess? And it's not that I'm not willing to do that, but it puts me in a strange place in terms of what I say to anyone, or how I conduct myself.

[If only they were speaking in person. He'd have given Ai a hug just then and tried to understand his tone a bit more, but instead has to resort to simply speaking his mind.]

You don't sound so convinced to me. I want you to be happy. You're my friend, Ai-chan. You're so much fun to be around, you're not afraid to put yourself out there on the Network, I just... wonder how happy you can be having a secret affair like that.

I mean, this isn't like you getting to role-play out an adventure of having an older man for your special someone, it's just... how you feel, right? I mean, you must care about him so much to have said all of that stuff - so why wouldn't you want him in your life for real?

It is just how I feel. I don't even know how to describe it. I thought I was in love before, and maybe I was, and I still do have strong feelings for Rin-senpai. But I never felt so desperate to talk to him that I would go running to him, not even when something bad happened.

[ Well, it wasn't like he'd felt that would have been appropriate or accepted in the same way, but still. ]

And I guess you're right, but he's... not offering that. And I understand the reasons he doesn't. So for now at least, I guess I just have to decide for myself.

But when I say that, I know I've already decided. I have. I turned down Duo - who I do like a lot! - because it was unthinkable to me to be with someone who wasn't Genesis. So I guess in the end that's my answer.

Alright, Ai-chan. I'll trust your judgement. I'm glad you thought well enough of me to talk things out like this. I really do hope that your decision makes you happy in the end. I think you deserve someone who'll do that for you, boyfriend title or not.

I think you made the right choice with Duo anyway though, hearing all of this so... I'll try to be a good friend to him anyway, Ai-chan. And so will other people. Don't worry too much about that, okay?

If you ever need to talk some more, I'll be here.

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[Voice, 6/27 evening]

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